Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
