Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
