So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize