you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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