we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
