I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
