proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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