Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I would ride that face into the sunset
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
