Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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