My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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