Michael Bay diarrhea
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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