Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
