You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
