Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
