We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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