He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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