your parents love me but you hate me
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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