i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
