Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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