During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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