Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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