Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
