don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
