There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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