I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
there's paper in my vomit.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize