i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
