No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
