Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
