Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize