Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
