Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
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Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
