WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
