Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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