I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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