Whod you bang
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Randomize
