In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
