You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
