I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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