Can i not drive my cunt home
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Come on in and take your pants off
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