I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
