How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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