There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
