I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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