You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
