So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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