The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Randomize
