the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize