I need to stop coming to work sober
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
