ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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