Your face is a jimmy john
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
