If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
