There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
