Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
