No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
