this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
