i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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