Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
