I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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