I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
