Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
did you just send me my own nude
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
