Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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